


Mack Killed an Old Lady

by wolfy_writing



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Biphobia, Bugs & Insects, Canon-Typical Gang Behavior, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Denial, Dennis Reynolds Has an Eating Disorder, Do not expect personal growth, Eating Disorders, Homophobia, I endorse literally nothing anyone says or does in this fic, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Murder, Murder By Incineration, Oral Sex, Police, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, The perspective of the characters is not the perspective of the author, all the triggering stuff is about the same as on the show, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-19 00:47:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22235866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfy_writing/pseuds/wolfy_writing
Summary: Mrs. Klinsky is murdered, and Mac is the lead suspect.This is the sexiest thing Dennis has ever seen.
Relationships: Mac McDonald/Dennis Reynolds
Comments: 17
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

"Excuse me," said the police officer."I'm looking for..."She paused and checked her notebook, then frowned"Ronald McDonald?"

Mac sighed."That's me.You can just call me Mac."

The officer nodded."Would you be able to come down with me to the station?"

"Hang on," said Frank."Before you take him away, what's this about?I want to know if he's going to jail and I should hire a real bouncer."

"We'd like Mr. McDonald to answer some questions pertaining to the death of one Mildred Klinsky."

Dennis looked up."Mildred Klinsky, retired librarian?"

"That's correct," said the police officer."You knew the deceased?"

"She worked at my high school," said Dennis, stepping forward.

"We believe Mr. McDonaldmay have some information about her death.We're hoping he can answer some questions and shed light on the subject."

Dennis turned to Mac."Mac, when they question you, remember two phrases - I am invoking my right to remain silent, and I am invoking my right to an attorney."

"That's not necessary," said the officer.

"Repeat them," said Dennis, giving Mac an intense look. 

"I am invoking my right to remain silent, and I am invoking my right to an attorney."

"Good," said Dennis."We'll get you a lawyer soon.Hang tight, and don't say anything."He grabbed Mac's face, pulled him in, and kissed him intensely.

When the kiss broke, Mac gasped in shock."What was _that_?"

"Later," said Dennis."Let's just get you out of this first."

The officer led Mac away.

"Hang on," said Dee."What _was_ that?Didn't you say that you were straight?"

"Come on," said Dennis."He _killed_ someone for me!No one's _that_ straight!"

-

"I didn't kill her," said Mac."How do you know someone killed her, anyway?Wouldn't Mrs. Klinsky be like a million years old now?She could have just died of oldness!"

"She was shoved into an incinerator and burned alive," said the officer."Which brings me to this letter."

Mac glanced at the letter, and felt a twinge of fear.He'd written it one night while drunk, and in the morning he hadn't even remembered if he'd put it in the mailbox or not.

Apparently he had.

The officer picked up the letter."I know about you and Dennis, you rapist bitch!You're going to burn for what you did."

Mac looked down at the table.

"Dennis, your boyfriend back at the bar?"

"He's not my boyfriend," said Mac.At least he didn't think they were boyfriends.Dennis had kissed Mac, though, and that had never happened before.Mac had kissed _Dennis_ a few times, but he'd knocked it off after the sexual harassment seminar, because apparently surprise kissing Dennis until he realized how awesome it would be to turn gay and be with Mac wasn't an effective strategy.

...or _was_ it?

"I'd say, judging by that kiss, you're more than just good friends, though."The cop sat down in the chair across from Mac."Mac, what did Mrs. Klinsky do to Dennis?"

"They were having sex when he was in high school.Dennis say it wasn't rape, because he agreed, but Dee says that it was definitely rape, because it started when he was only fourteen."

"Fourteen?" the cop asked.

Mac nodded."That's messed up, right?"

"Completely sick!And felony sexual assault.It sounds, from the letter, like that made you pretty angry?"

"Of course it made me angry!Wouldn't you be?"

The cop nodded sympathetic."I absolutely would be.It's a completely understandable that you wrote that letter.And it's completely understandable that you killed her."

Mac froze."What?"

"I mean I feel for you. Dennis is important to you, yes?"

"Yes! But..."

"And she hurt him.Something like that can have a long-term psychological impact, and cause some mental health issues."She gave a concerned frown."I don't know if Dennis is struggling with anything in terms of mental health?"

Mac nodded."Yeah."Dennis had gotten better at eating, but he still sometimes freaked out and went back to skipping meals, and he'd declared a whole bunch of awesome foods to be bad and unhealthy.And he was super-freaked out thinking he might not be good-looking and would wear himself out trying to get his makeup perfect.And that one shrink had said Dennis had borderline personality disorder.Dennis said this was bullshit, but he'd started taking the medication the shrink prescribed, and it _did_ seem like he was feeling a bit better and handling things better.And he had that thing he called the God-hole, where he felt empty and unhappy and had to go get laid until he could stop thinking about how he felt inside again.And he'd gotten addicted to crack that one time.

"It makes you angry when people hurt Dennis?"

"Hell yeah!" Mac said.

"It makes you want to hurt someone?"

"Damn straight!It makes me want to tear them to pieces!

"Or shove them in an incinerator?"

Mac's brain threatened to seize up.This cop was seriously trying to get him to confess to murder!What should he do?What if he screwed up and said something suspicious? 

He wished Dennis was here.Dennis was smart and would tell Mac what to do. 

...wait, he _had_ told Mac what to do.

Mac drew a deep breath."I am invoking my right to remain silent, and I am invoking my right to an attorney.Not in that order.I am invoking my right to an attorney, and then I am invoking my right to remain silent...as soon as I finish this sentence."

-

"So you're in love with Mac," said Dee. "Because he killed someone for you."

"Look, I'm not saying I'm in love.I just saying that what he did was incredibly attractive and sexy, and made me see him in a new light, and okay, maybe I've fallen for him a bit.And obviously, Mac is intensely important to me.Okay, I'm not _entirely_ ruling out the possibility of being in love."Dennis frowned."What does love feel like?"

"So, what's the deal with this Klinsky broad?" Frank asked."Why would Mac kill her?"

"She and I were lovers," said Dennis."I hope Mac isn't going to kill all of my former lovers in a jealous rage.That would be..."He drifted off and smiled."Wrong.That would be wrong."

"She raped Dennis," said Dee."He was fourteen, and she raped him, and he's still trying to convince himself it was awesome sexy sex, because he's an idiot."

"It wasn't rape," said Dennis."Frank, it's not rape if a woman decides to have sex with a man and he agrees to it, right?"

"A man," Dee snapped."Not a fourteen-year-old boy."

"I was a young man!"

Frank shook his head. "Nah, you were a scrawny kid. You still slept with that stuffed elephant."

Dennis folded his arms."Mr. Tibbs is not relevant to this conversation."

"Come on," said Charlie."That's pretty messed up.I mean fourteen?"

"You dated a twelve-year-old!"

"On _accident_!" said Charlie."And we didn't have sex or anything.We didn't even kiss.We just ate pizza and made fun of people."Charlie grinned."That was awesome!"

"It wasn't rape!" Dennis insisted."Men can't get raped by women!"

"I mean that time Dee and I had sex, and I didn't want to, but she pinned me down and wouldn't let me talk, I think that was probably rape," said Charlie. 

Dee stared at the floor

Dennis looked at Dee."Look, Dee, you have a choice.Either you agree that it's not rape when a woman does it, and you were mistaken about the whole rape thing, or you're saying that you're an actual rapist, and you raped our good friend Charlie.Which is it?Are you a rapist, or are you going to admit that I was right about Mrs. Klinsky and you were wrong."

"Wait," said Dee. "How is it that _I'm_ the one being called a rapist, not _you_?"

"As a considerable stockpile of signed contracts and text message exchanges will show, I never had anything but consensual sex with anyone."

"You hack people's phones!"

"There's no evidence of that," said Dennis."You, on the other hand, all but admitted it.Look, you don't have to live with the lifelong guilt of knowing you're a rapist.Just admit I'm right, and women can't rape men."

Dee looked back and forth between Dennis and Charlie.Finally, she turned to Charlie."I'm sorry I raped you.That was wrong of me.I'll never do it again."

"God damn it!"Dennis jabbed a finger at Dee."I thought I could count on you!"He stormed out.

-

Dee was about to leave the bar when Charlie and Frank popped up in front of her. 

Frank looked at Charlie."What do you want me to do to her?"

"Do to me?" Dee asked.

"You raped someone, sweetie.Charlie thinks he should have his revenge. So Charlie, what do you want?"

"You're not going to let him hurt me, are you?" Dee asked.

"Sorry," said Frank."Charlie's almost like a son to me."

"I mean I might actually be your son," Charlie mumbled."If you'd take a blood test, we would know, and I'd have a dad, and that would be pretty great."

"I'm your daughter!" Dee yelled.

"Not biologically," said Charlie."That's why Frank loves me best."

"No," said Frank."It's because you let me sleep at your place, and you're willing to sleep in the closet when I'm banging whores.So what is it, Charlie?You want me to kill her?"

Charlie frowned."Is there a way to kill her, but like she's magically resurrected and alive again afterward?Because I would totally be up for killing her if she's only dead for like a day or two."

"No," said Dee."If you kill me, I'll definitely be dead forever."She stepped forward."Listen, Charlie, I apologized.How about if I apologize again, and, to show how sorry I am, get you a nice sandwich and some paint to drink?"

"There are _some_ things that can't be fixed with sandwiches and paint," Charlie said. "Frank, if she goes to jail, how long is that?"

"Up to ten years."

"That's still pretty long," said Charlie.He frowned thoughtfully."What if we roll her up in a bunch of glue traps all night and leave her in the basement where bugs can crawl on her all night?"

Dee let out an indignant shriek.

"I'm up for that," said Frank. "You're sure that's enough?"

"I think so," said Charlie."She's my friend, and I don't want her gone for years and years, but she made me feel gross and scared and I couldn't do anything about it.So I think I should make her feel gross and scared and make it so she can't do anything about it."

Dee turned to Frank."You're not going to let him do that to me, are you, Daddy?Not to your little girl?"

"Oh, princess," said Frank."I would let him do a lot worse.You know why?"

"Because I did something terrible and I need to pay?"

"Because," said Frank, "Charlie here is a lot more likely to take care of me when I'm old and senile than you are."

-

"Hey sexy," Dennis said, as Mac walked out of the police station."Everything okay?"

Mac nodded."Yeah, they've asked me not to leave town, but they're releasing me."

"For now," said the cop."We may call you in for questioning later.Also, Mr. Reynolds, we'd like you to come by at some point, whenever it's convenient for you, and answer a few questions.We think your information could help us clarify a few points."

"Absolutely," said Dennis."I'm always happy to cooperate with the police.I'm sure my information will help you exonerate Mac and focus on the real killer.How about tomorrow afternoon?"

"Sounds good."The cop nodded."Thank you for your cooperation."

"Any time."Dennis turned to Mac. "Now, let's get you home."

-

As soon as they got inside the apartment. Dennis shoved Mac against the door and kissed him until Mac could hardly breathe.

"I've had dreams like this," Mac said, when the kiss finally broke. 

"Well, all your dreams are about to come true."Dennis dropped to his knees and started fumbling with Mac's fly.

"Hang on," said Mac."How long have you been gay?"

"I'm not gay," said Dennis."I like women."

"So you're what, bisexual?"

Dennis shook his head."No, only women can be bi."

Mac frowned. "Wait, _what_?"

"It's simple," said Dennis."Women can be bi because everyone agrees it's hot.And everyone knows she's really straight, but she's willing to make out with women for attention and praise, so it works.But men can't be bi.Everyone knows bisexual men are actually just closeted gay guys waiting to come out, and women don't want to date them.And I really like having sex with women.So I'm not bi."

"But you said that straight guys don't like making out with gay guys," Mac said.  Dennis had been very clear on the the previous times Mac had suggested it.

Dennis shrugged."I guess it must be that you're so hot that even straight guys want you."

Mac grinned, then stopped."Dude, what you're saying does not make sense.I've _always_ been hot!"

"You're suddenly a lot hotter."

Mac thought through the day."Is it because you think I killed...I mean because I..."

"Shh." Dennis reached up and put a finger to Mac's lips."There's one thing I need from you for as long as the murder investigation is ongoing.I need you to either tell me you didn't kill Mrs. Klinsky, or not say anything about the subject at all.This is to protect both of us.They're going to question me tomorrow, and I don't know if they're going to break out the lie detector or not.If you only tell me that you didn't do it, that's best for both of us."

Mac paused.He looked down at Dennis, whose mouth was an inch away from Mac's groin."I...didn't kill Mrs. Klinsky," he said. 

He winked.

"Good boy," said Dennis.He freed Mac's cock and took it in his mouth.

-

"Hi, Dee," said Mac, when Dee walked into the bar."You do something different with your hair?"

"It's full of glue and cockroach legs!Charlie locked me in the basement all night, rolled me in glue traps, and let roaches crawl all over me!I shampooed five times, and it still won't come out!"

"Ah, I thought you were using gel or something."

"Why did Charlie lock you in the basement and roll you in glue traps?" Dennis asked. 

"That whole rape thing.He's still mad about it."

"So his revenge was to make you feel gross and powerless and trapped, and afterwards you had to shower a dozen times?"Mac asked."Nice one, Charlie!"

"Thanks," said Charlie."I'm pretty proud of it."

Dennis tilted his head."Did it help?"

Charlie shrugged."I don't know.I mean I went home last night and ate cat food and huffed glue until I passed out, and then I had freaky nightmares about being molested by a giant ostrich with tiny hands on the end of its wings instead of feathers, but it might have just been bad glue.I hope so.I mean if revenge doesn't fix it, and glue doesn't fix it, what do you even do?"

"Therapy," Dee said.

At the same time, Dennis said, "Whiskey.Like Frank says, stuff it down with some brown."

Dee shook her head."No, therapy!It's great!They have to pay attention to you, and aren't allowed to make fun of you no matter what you say, and sometime they'll give you drugs that are even better than booze!And you can tell them lies, so you can feel smarter and more powerful than them!I mean okay, they eventually figure it out and accuse you of sabotaging your own recovery but then you can just fire them and get a new one!Also, you can save some of the drugs, so you can have an exit plan in case therapy doesn't work and your life never gets any better and you wake up one day and realize that you're a middle-aged waitress who's never going to become an actress and probably never going to do anything with your life."

Everyone looked at Dee. 

"Damn," said Mac."You've really thought about it."

"Pretty pathetic, Dee," Charlie said.

Dennis frowned."Do I have to break into your house at night and steal your pills again?"

"That was _you_?" Dee yelled."You creepy psycho!I was terrified! I thought junkies were breaking in while I was sleeping!"

"I was being a good brother!Ever since the CharDee MacDennis incident, I've been entering your house at night and making sure you don't have enough pills for to kill yourself! I mean it's not like anyone else would do it!Frank doesn't care, neither Mac or Charlie is invested enough in keeping you alive to put in any effort, you don't have any other friends, and given your relationship history, you're going to turn into a creepy cat lady and die alone!So if I don't look after you, who will?Most sisters would appreciate that kind of love!"An alarm went off on Dennis's phone."Now if you'll excuse me, I have to head over to the police station to give Mr. Sexy here an alibi."He leaned in and gave Mac a kiss, then walked out.

"Wow," said Frank."You really turned him fag!Good for you!"

Charlie nodded. "This murder thing really worked out for you."

Dee tilted her head. "Is he still stupidly in denial about the whole rape thing?"

Mac turned to the gang, wide-eyed with fear."You guys have to help me!I didn't kill Mrs. Klinsky!"

"Right," said Frank."You _didn't_ kill her."He winked.

"No, I really didn't!Sooner or later the police are going to find out that I'm not a murderer!And then Dennis will find out, and then he won't want me anymore!What do I do?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Thank you for coming in today, Mr. Reynolds."

"Any time."Dennis pulled out a sheaf of paper."I hope you don't mind, I took some rough notes about what I remember of Mac's whereabouts during the days surrounding Mrs. Klinsky's death."He'd written the notes in pencil, on pages torn out of a spiral-bound notebook, so they'd look casual."I thought that might be useful."

He'd spent a good hour last night going over things with Mac, making note of time periods Dennis could honestly verify Mac's whereabouts, time periods where Mac had other credible alibis, time periods where if Dennis lied to give Mac an alibi they wouldn't get caught, and some gaps (which Dennis called the danger zone) where Mac had no alibi, and Dennis couldn't lie for him without being caught.

The big one was Mac going out for an evening jog on the night the murder could have happened.Dennis was at the bar, with plenty of witnesses, so attempting to provide a fake alibi for Mac would be sloppy and make the police even more suspicious.

Damn it, why hadn't Mac _told_ him about this?Yeah, it would have made it less of a sexy surprise, but Dennis could have come up with something plausible!

"Thank you.We'll be discussing that.First, I wanted to ask you about your relationship with Mrs. Klinsky."

"Mrs. Klinsky?"Dennis frowned."She was my school librarian."

The cop nodded."As I understand, there was more to it than that."

"Okay," said Dennis."I wasn't sure if this was relevant, but we were lovers."

"How old were you at the time?"

"Fourteen."

"So it was statutory rape," said the cop.

Dennis recoiled."Why do people keep using that word, rape?It was consensual!I consented!"

"Not legally," said the cop."You were fourteen.You may have been groomed and manipulated into saying yes, but that's still felony sexual assault."

"Groomed and manipulated?"What did she think Dennis was?Some _victim_?"I was a young _man_ with a burgeoning sexuality who banged a hot librarian!I wasn't some fragile _child_ from an emotionally abusive home who got manipulated by a sexual predator taking advantage of my emotional vulnerabilities!"

"I seem to have touched a nerve, Mr. Reynolds.Does it bother you that people see your relationship with Mrs. Klinsky as sexual abuse?"

"Yes!"He wasn't some weak and needy person who could be exploited by the first librarian to show him kindness and make him feel special!He was Dennis Reynolds, and he was untouchable!He was a golden god!He was always in control, of his body and of absolutely everything else in his life!He could even perfectly control his erections!

_"Um, I'm not sure we should be doing this," he said, voice cracking, as she pressed him against the stacks."I mean we could get in trouble."He wasn't sure what the rules were about sex in the library, but he was pretty sure he'd at least be suspended, maybe expelled."Maybe we should wait and find another time?"_

_He wanted it, of course.He was a man, and men always wanted sex.But he didn't want to get caught having sex in the library and kicked out of school.He had a future to worry about.An Ivy League education, veterinary school, and then an awesome life as like a doctor for elephants or something._

_He didn't want to lose that just to get laid._ **_That_ ** _was why he felt scared and slightly sick.That was all._

_"You want this as much as I do," said Mrs. Klinsky.Your mouth may be saying maybe you should wait, but your body is saying right now."She slid her hand over his crotch, feeling his erection."This tells me everything I need to know about how ready you are.Now let's not let this go to waste."_

_"_ Mr. Reynolds?"Mrs. Klinsky was sitting across the table.

Dennis gave a startled jerk, and then he was looking at that lady cop again."Yes?"

"Would you like an ice pack?Many people find them grounding after flashbacks."

"Flashbacks?"

"You seemed to be having a flashback.I'm sorry, I didn't mean to trigger you."

"Triggered?"Dennis snorted."I'm not some libtard pussy who gets triggered!I just spaced out for a moment.Let's get on with this."He was fine.Maybe he felt a little spacey, and weirdly sick to his stomach, like how he'd felt in the...extremely vivid memory he'd just had, but he wasn't _triggered_. 

"Okay," said the cop."If you're sure.So you were saying you don't consider your relationship with Mrs. Klinsky to have been traumatic or abusive."

"Exactly!"

"But Mr. McDonald does?"

Dennis shrugged."I mean I don't think he would.He seems cooler than that."

"Are you aware of these letters Mr. McDonald sent?"The cop slid over a letter in a plastic bag.

It was Mac's handwriting, a big angry scrawl. 

_I know about you and Dennis, you rapist bitch.You're going to burn for what you did to him._

Dennis stared at the letter."I never saw these before.Are you sure they're from Mac?" Dee was pretty big on saying what happened with Mrs. Klinsky was rape.Maybe Dennis could throw her under the bus to help Mac.She'd probably be found innocent eventually.

"He admitted it."

Damn it, why had Mac been so _sloppy_!He'd made a stupid mistake, and now this librarian was going to get him!

Cop, not librarian.It was cops that you had to avoid or they'd get you, not librarians.You were _supposed_ to want what the librarians did.

"So you and Mr. McDonald never discussed this?" the cop asked."He never expressed his feelings to you?"

"No, never." Dennis shook his head.Had Mac been thinking this about the whole time?Instead of admiring Dennis's awesome, had he been pitying Dennis?

"Would you be willing to leave your notes so I can review them?"

"Sure," said Dennis.She could keep the notes.Dennis had saved a copy, so he'd still be able to make sure he and Mac both kept their stories straight.

"Thank you.I'm fully aware that these are notes written from memory, not a sworn affidavit.So if anything springs to mind and you realize you misremembered, or Mr. McDonald was absent for longer than you'd thought, feel free to clarify.At _this_ stage of the investigation, we'd treat that as an innocent mistake of fact."

She was trying to scare him into admitting he'd lied to protect Mac.Bitch."Thank you," said Dennis."I did my best to be accurate, but you know how memory is."

"I know," said the cop."As I said, we're going to be very understanding if you were mistaken on some details.At least at this point in the investigation we will."

-

"Hey, so dinner tonight?"

"I'm not doing dinner," Dennis asked. "I need to cleanse my system."

"You're back on that?" Mac asked."I thought you'd stopped that after the anemia and vitamin deficiencies and everything."

"I'll take vitamin supplements."

Mac looked at Dennis"I mean you had a whole thing about trying to prove you weren't anorexic, you could totally ease up on your diet if you wanted, and you didn't need eating disorder treatment."

"I proved it, and now I can go back to cleansing my system and getting healthy!I mean at our age, the metabolism slows down!You can put on weight like that!" Dennis snapped his fingers.

"You can?" Mac grinned."You mean I'm going to get big again?"

Not if Dennis could help it.Mac could carry off having bulk as long as it was muscles, but he looked so good when he was lean and fit.And it wasn't his fault he didn't get that and made bad choices.Something was wrong with Mac's mind that gave him totally distorted ideas about his body.It was driving him to try engage in unhealthy eating habits so that he could achieve this completely unhealthy body shape, because he thought if he could make his body the way he wanted, that would somehow fix his life.

Fortunately, Dennis had a healthier perspective, and could protect Mac from himself.

"You'll get bigger," lied Dennis."And like you can do that, that's your thing.But I have to keep everything under control.I mean I don't carry the weight as well as you do.I need to stay lean."

"I don't think you need to stay as lean as you think you do," said Mac.

"I mean you're gay, so you can chub up and become a bear.I can't do that.I couldn't pull it off.I can't do chubby and sexy!"

"You'd be sexy to me no matter what you looked like," said Mac.

"That's sweet."Dennis made a mental note to discard everything Mac said about Dennis's appearance from now on.His reverse body dysmorphia was obviously impacting not only him, but now how he saw Dennis! 

Dennis was so handsome because of a very carefully-calibrated pattern of choices to keep control over his body and his looks.If he went around accepting unconditional love and admiration, he'd slack off and turn into a total uggo.

"So if you're not eating dinner, can I make you a smoothie?"

"I don't trust your smoothies anymore," Dennis said. 

"Is this about the whole poisoning thing?Because in my defense, you did leave that one time, and you made me scared you might leave again.And while that doesn't make poisoning someone one hundred percent okay, I feel like it should make things at least eighty percent okay."Mac paused."Maybe ninety percent."

"Sugar, Mac."Dennis glared at him. "You kept feeding me sugar.Are you trying to make me fat?"

"What's gotten into you?" Mac asked. 

"What's gotten into me is you're trying to control my body!I mean two lousy blowjobs and you suddenly think you get to decide everything about my body!

"They weren't lousy blowjobs!"Mac gave Dennis an intense, sincere look."I was impressed! I mean was that really your first time sucking dick?"

"Okay," said Dennis, changing the subject."Two _amazing_ blowjobs, and suddenly you're in charge of everything about my life!Telling me what I think, what I feel, what happens to my body, I mean where do you get off?"

Mac looked puzzled."Look, I just want you to eat enough so you don't keep getting light-headed and miserable all the time."

"Maybe I want to be light-headed and miserable!Did you ever think about that?"Dennis inwardly cursed.That just sounded petulant and childish.Was he seriously coming off this badly in an argument with _Mac_? Dennis was the smart one! He should be able to argue rings around Mac!"Why did you write those letters to Mrs. Klinsky?"

Mac looked down guiltily."The cops told you about those?"

"Yes.They thought I might know something about you believing I was some kind of fragile helpless victim whose mommy and daddy didn't love him enough to protect him from scary librarians."He took a breath."They thought that you thought Mrs. Klinsky raped me, and you were angry about it enough to murder her!"

Mac's eyes darted."I can't talk about that.I did...not kill Mrs. Klinsky."

"Why would you be so _sloppy_?Send _letters_ incriminating yourself?You have to be smarter than that!"

Mac shrugged."I was drunk.I was angry.And what she did to you..."

"What she _did_ to me?I can't believe you! I thought you were on my side!And now I find out you've been taking Dee's side this whole time?"

"Dee's side?

"Yes, Mac!You took Dee's side!Dee and I were arguing about this, remember?And instead of siding with me, your best friend and the man you love, you took the side of one Deandra Reynolds!A woman who, may I remind you, _herself_ slept with an underage boy! You picked her over me!"

"I'm sorry," said Mac."I wasn't thinking about sides.

"The important thing here is sides!You're either on my side or not!And if you're on my side, that means not saying I was raped!"

Mac nodded."I won't do it again.Dennis, you're like super-smart!I didn't think of any of this!"

Dennis sighed."Well, I mean it's not your fault you aren't as smart as me."

Mac smiled."It's like you always say, no one's as smart as you."

-

"Hey, where are you going?" Dennis asked.

"My room," Mac said."I figured you'd want to sleep alone tonight."

"Why would I want _that_?" 

"You know, you had to have conversations about your librarian trauma, it got you so upset you couldn't eat, you got mad at me earlier, it seems like you've had a hard day."

"Seriously?"Dennis clenched his fists."I just explained it!All that 'Oh poor Dennis, were you raped?Are you traumatized?Are you triggered? Was that a flashback you had earlier?' bullshit is just insulting."

Mac frowned."Wait, you had a flashback?"

"No, of course not.I'm a golden god, I'm untouchable, and I'm fully prepared to have sex!You want to have sex with me?"

"I mean yeah, of course.But like not if you're going to have flashbacks or anything, because I'm pretty sure that would freak me out."

"I'm not going to have flashbacks," said Dennis."I can handle sex.Hell, I can even handle it if we do anal!You can top!"

"Have you ever done anal before?"

"Not from that end," said Dennis."But you'd be the one doing the tricky part."All Dennis had to do was lie there and let Mac do what he wanted to him, and maybe wriggle and moan. 

And that would prove Dennis wasn't traumatized.

Plus, the God-hole inside of him was acting up, threatening to leave Dennis feeling hollow and empty and disconnected from the world, and worst of all, _weak_.Sex with women was normally good for filling that temporarily, and Dennis assumed sex with Mac would be the same.

-

Mac pulled the lube out of the drawer in Dennis's bedside table."So this is the stuff?Astroglide?"

Dennis, face down on the bed, nodded."That one's good for anal.I figured you'd know this, being gay and all."

"It's complicated.No one gave me a set of instructions."Mac paused."Wait, do other gays get a set of instructions?Is there like catechism, but for gayness, and I missed it?Am I the only gay guy who doesn't know what to do?"

"Probably," said Dennis."You waited too long to come out.Anyway, you want to squirt some lube onto your hand, warm it, and then start spreading it around my hole."

Behind him, Dennis could hear the squirt of the bottle, then Mac's hands rubbing together.Then he could feel Mac's lube-slicked hands sliding around.

"Is this right?" Mac asked.

"Pretty much. You probably want to stick a finger up my ass just to make sure the lube gets up in there."

"A finger up your ass?" Mac asked."What if there's poop in there?"

Dennis lifted his head and looked at Mac."You do realize your dick's going to be going up there soon, right?"

"Yeah, but that's different.I'll be wearing a condom, so my dick will be protected."

Dennis sighed."Have some faith in my personal hygiene."He let his head flop down on the pillow.

Mac's finger wiggled its way into Dennis's ass.It felt odd and slightly ridiculous.

Then Mac's finger brushed against something, and Dennis let out a gasp.

"What was that?" Mac asked."Should take my finger out?"

"No, don't," said Dennis. "Do that again!"

Mac moved his finger again.

Dennis let out a small moan.

"Did I just hit the prostate?" Mac asked in an excited voice.

Dennis nodded.

Mac fingered Dennis's prostate a bit more, leaving Dennis whimpering.

"This is awesome!Dude, you should see how you look right now!It's so hot!"Mac drew his finger out."Okay, so I'm going to stick my dick in you.It's pretty huge, so let me know if it's too much for you."

"Don't flatter yourself," said Dennis.He'd sucked Mac's dick, and it was respectable, but hardly huge.

Mac's dick started to slip in and Dennis let out a hiss.That was a lot bigger than a finger. Did dicks just _feel_ bigger when they were up your ass?

"You okay, dude?" Mac asked. 

"I'm fine.Keep going."

Mac lowered himself down onto Dennis until his dick was fully in, and he was laying on Dennis."Dude, this is amazing!You sure you're okay?You are so tight!"

"I'm good," said Dennis.

Mac's chin moved against Dennis's shoulder as he nodded.Then he began thrusting.

It was almost too much, but Dennis gritted his teeth.He could take it.He was a golden god.He could take anything.

Mac's thrusts started hitting the prostate, and mercifully, for the next several minutes, Dennis didn't have to think.

-

Dennis got up and made himself a _safe_ health smoothie for breakfast.He needed at least one meal a day, he knew.That and plentiful hydration would keep him functioning.And he'd lose weight, and would be handsome and thin and young and sexually desirable forever.And when Mac got tired of Dennis and left him behind, Dennis could go back to banging women until he didn't feel feelings anymore.

Fuck acceptance.Dennis was going to take charge of some shit.


	3. Chapter 3

"Am I a bad person?" Dee asked.

Dennis nodded."Yes.Why?"

"Like I feel like I'm this pathetic, morally disgusting failure who should just die."

"Don't be ridiculous," said Dennis."Dying wouldn't make you stop being a pathetic, morally disgusting failure.If you're dead, you're a pathetic morally disgusting failure _forever_!What you need to do is take control of your life.Like me.I've been letting myself go a bit recently, so I've decided to pull it together and get back the old Dennis!The strong, untouchable Dennis who's always in control.So I'm on a diet."

"Ugh, anorexia _again_?" Dee rolled her eyes."What's next, going back on crack?"

"No."Now that she mentioned it, crack sounded good.It was slimming, and it would definitely take the edge off having to deal with all of these conversations about Mrs. Klinsky."I'm just getting my life under control."

Dee waved her hands around."Oh look at me, I'm Dennis!I think I'm a golden god, but I'm actually a drug-addicted rape victim with an eating disorder!"

Dennis put on his best Dee voice. "Ooh, I'm Dee! My mommy never loved me, and now I'm a suicidal failure that looks like a bird!Instead of getting my life together, I think I'll go slit my wrists again!"

"Excuse me?" asked a customer."I was going to order a drink, but...are you two _okay_?"

"Not even remotely," said Dee."I'm literally clinically depressed, and my stupid brother here has to one-up me by having like _three_ different mental health problems, and he's in denial about _all_ of them.So even when I want to kill himself, he's still outdoing me."

"We're fine," said Dennis."Everything's fine.What can I get you?"

"Two beers.And put it on my tab."

Dennis grabbed the beers."Here you go."

"Thanks."The customer paused, pulled an old receipt out of his wallet, and scribbled on the back, then passed it to Dee."This is for you.Call anytime."

Dee looked at the number and grinned."Score!I _told_ you men found suicidal women sexy!It's like that one website!"

Dennis shook his head."That isn't what Suicide Girls means.Since when are you clinically depressed?" 

"I got diagnosed back when I slit my wrists that time.The current therapist says something about persistent depressive disorder.I'm not sure if I like her, though.She gave me some pills she says will help, but if I take the pill, I have to quit drinking, or else it might give me a seizure.And she wants me to go into some kind of program to detox from alcohol.I mean quit drinking?"Dee throw her hands up."I already hate my life and want to die, and she wants me to deal with this shit while _sober_?"

"Ugh, shrinks." Dennis shook his head."Ask about different medications, though.Some are okay to drink with as long as you don't overdo it."Dennis, being a smart person, had quit seeing therapists entirely.He went to a psychiatrist who saw him twice a year, heard Dennis say everything was fine and the meds were working, and wrote prescriptions accordingly.

And things were fine.Better than they were without the medication.Which was an uncomfortable weakness, but he figured the medication was making him stronger.

"Anyway," said Dee."We're both fucked up.But on me, it's apparently hot."

Dennis looked at the number."Wait, this isn't his number.It's a suicide prevention hotline!"

"Is it?"Dee looked up."Wait, does that mean you're depressed and suicidal and you can no longer make fun of me, because you're every bit as pathetic as I am?"

"Stop being stupid," said Dennis."There was that song a couple of years ago.The title was literally the suicide prevention hotline number.They played it everywhere." 

He'd accidentally memorized the number, that was all.It didn't mean anything.He'd accidentally memorized the number, and because that stupid song was everywhere, it put thoughts into his head.Thoughts of being helpless and miserable and whiny and calling that hotline to cry about his problems until he was as weak as Dee.Thoughts about crying to some strangers about how sometimes, just _sometimes_ , he wanted to die.

But he wasn't like that.He was Dennis Motherfucking Reynolds, and he wasn't going to weaken, or act like he needed help, or go out in a suicide like some kind of pathetic Deandra. 

He was going to push himself until he achieved total perfect awesomeness, or die trying.

-

"So, Mr. McDonald, you've been apprised of your right to an attorney, and are voluntarily answering questions without a lawyer present?"

Mac nodded. 

"And you are voluntarily speaking to me of your own free will?"

"Yes, I am," said Mac.

"Thank you for your cooperation.Can you tell me about Mildred Klinsky?"

Mac nodded."She was the librarian at school.She was like fifty back then.Kind of ugly-looking, like if Rick Moranis was an old lady.And, although I didn't find this out until years later, she was apparently secretly raping Dennis on the regular.This happened before I met him, and I didn't learn about it until decades later, when he tried to make a movie out of his erotic memoirs."

The cop blinked."What?"

"Yeah, he thought it would be the next Fifty Shades of Grey, which...yeah, that could totally work actually."Mac had actually read Fifty Shades of Grey, and it seemed to be all about a man who was really into kinky sex, and how he got that one woman to do it even though she didn't want to, and how that was apparently hot and awesome.And also something about how he'd been raped by an older lady, but he still kind of thought she was awesome?It was like Dennis, if Dennis was a billionaire. 

"So he tried to make this film, and it portrayed his abuse by Mrs. Klinsky?"

Mac nodded."Yeah.He did, and then Dee made a short film explaining that what Mrs. Klinsky did was totally rape.I kind of had a lot going on, so I didn't think about it much at the time, but later, I thought about it, and was all 'That's messed up'.But like Dennis said it wasn't, and he's right about most things.But he's only right like ninety percent of the time, so I didn't know what to think.Anyway, one night, I was drinking too much, and I wrote that letter.I was drunk enough I didn't realize I mailed it."

The cop nodded."How did that make you feel?"

"Really good at first.Like when you're pissed off at someone, and they totally deserve it, so you get to be as nasty as you want and not hold back?But later it wasn't enough.I mean Dennis is still all traumatized and shit, and I didn't even know if that bitch got the letter or not!"

"It sounds like you were angry," the cop said."You wanted more revenge than that."

Mac nodded."So about a week ago, I went out for a jog."He'd checked Dennis's notes, and this fell into the territory marked Danger Zone, so the murder probably happened then."And I was running, and thinking about it, and running, and thinking about it, and I must have just blacked out with rage.Because next thing I knew it was hours later, and I'd just gotten home, and I had no idea what I did." 

There.Perfect.He wasn't confessing to murder, so they wouldn't throw him in jail, but he was being super-sketchy, so he could still be a suspect.

"You have no idea what you did?" the cop asked.

"No idea at all."

"Have you had episodes like this before?"

Mac shook his head."Nope.I guess Dennis just means more to me than anyone else I've ever known in my life."He grinned. "We're together now.It's pretty awesome.We have sex and everything!"

"When you came to after blacking out, where were you?"

"Outside my apartment door," said Mac."I was all breathless and sweaty from running."

"Did you notice anything else?Any stains on your clothing?'

"Like pit stains?" Mac asked.

"Any kind of stain or smell.For instance, the smell of ashes or industrial disinfectant?"

Mac nodded."Yes.Both of those things."

"Were your hands or arms sore?"

Mac shook his head."My legs were sore.I was running, not lifting."She wasn't going to catch him out _that_ easily.

"So you didn't feel like you'd physically strangled a woman and then carried her down to an industrial incinerator?"

"Wait, no, yes.I mean maybe."

The cop frowned."Did you or didn't you?"

Mac shrugged."Whatever one I'm supposed to answer?"

The cop narrowed her eyes."What's your game, Mr. McDonald?"

"What game?I'm just telling you that I might have killed Mrs. Klinsky.But I didn't.But I might have."

"Mr. McDonald, obstruction of justice is a crime.I suggest you tell the truth now."

Mac glanced around, then leaned in. "Can you keep a secret?"

Suddenly the cop was all sympathy."Of course.You can tell me anything."

"I didn't kill Mrs. Klinsky.But Dennis thinks I did, and he thinks it's super-hot!I mean not because she raped him, he's still in total denial about that.But like he thinks violence is hot in general.He got pissed off when we went to the zoo and he didn't get to see the lion eating a live goat.And, like, he wants to tie me up, whip me until I bleed, and lick up the blood, which is kind of weird, because I've only ever whipped myself bloody for God.But like I'm gay now, so I don't know what the whole deal with me and God is anymore.Anyway, I'm worried that if Dennis learns I didn't kill Mrs. Klinsky, he's going to turn straight again and leave me." 

Somehow, Mac had gotten Dennis to the point where he not only wasn't straight anymore, _and_ wasn't trying to D.E.N.N.I.S. Mac, but he was actually plotting so many weird, exciting new kinds of sex that Mac was pretty sure it would take _years_ to get through them all.Mac was _not_ going to risk screwing this up.

The cop gave Mac a baffled stare." _What_?"

"What part's confusing?"

"All of it!Literally all of it!"

Mac furrowed his brow."I mean it seems pretty simple to me.Dennis is my boyfriend because he thinks it's hot that I killed Mrs. Klinsky, except I didn't actually kill her, and if he finds out I'm not a murderer, he might not be horny for me anymore.So I need to look suspicious, but not too suspicious, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last a day in prison.Like I did an interpretive dance to the whole prison so I could come out as gay to my father, so I'd be some scary dude's bitch immediately, and not a hot scary dude, like Dennis.Plus, I'm a top.I mean I think I'm a top.I definitely like topping." Fucking Dennis had been awesome.And getting fucked seemed, like, gayer than gay.Like double-gay.

But Dennis had gotten fucked by Mac, and he was into chicks, so he was only half-gay at the most.And being fucked by Dennis would be...

"Mr. MacDonald?"

Mac blinked."Sorry, I was lost in thought."He realized he was grinning.

"I don't need to hear about your sex life.What I need is for you to understand that making a false confession is a crime, and if you do it again, I may have to file charges.We're not here to help you and your boyfriend act out your kinks.We're here to investigate a murder."

"Understood."Mac frowned."So I'm not a suspect anymore?"

"Don't leave town."

Mac grinned.

"This isn't about your whole sex game," said the cop."I just don't know what part of what you said is the lie yet."

-

"You went to the cops without the lawyer?" Dennis yelled."Were you trying to get arrested?"

"I was trying... never mind," said Mac."I can't explain, but I did it for us!"

Dennis frowned."Don't tell me that they suspect _me_ now."He had alibis for the Danger Zone, but his only alibi for the rest of the evening was Mac, and the cops might just assume Mac was his accomplice.

Ugh, he did _not_ want to deal with being accused of another murder!

"No, dude, I did it for us, as in our relationship."

"How the fuck is you getting tricked into confessing to murder supposed to help our relationship?"

"I didn't confess!I just...it's complicated.Look, a man's got to have secrets."

"Since when do you keep secrets from me?" Dennis asked."I know more about your life than you do!Hell, I knew you were gay before you did!"He balled up his fists."I'm putting all this work into protecting you, and now you're fucking around like this?Why would you do this to me?"

"It's complicated!I can't explain! Anyway, why are you so worked up about this?"

"I am trying to protect you!I am trying to keep you with me!You need to not screw this up! I don't want to lose you!Do you have any idea how much that would suck for me?" Dennis sighed and flopped down on the couch.He bent forward and pressed his fist to his forehead.

"Wait?" Mac asked."You're this pissed off because you care about me?Dennis...do you have feelings for me?"

"If frustration counts, then yes.I am having feelings of frustration about you."And fear.Sickening fear.Mac was the only person who still believed Dennis was a golden god.He'd step in and do things that made Dennis's life easier, and somehow, Dennis wouldn't feel weak or pathetic for asking.Mac made it feel like all his kindness was a tribute to Dennis's awesomeness. 

And it turned out sex with Mac was really amazingly good.

Mac might have screwed that all up, and might go to prison over Mrs. Klinsky?He'd blown it all over some mysterious secret? 

"Wait, Dennis, do you love me?"Mac was grinning.

Dennis looked up at Mac."I don't know."The way he felt about Mac was weird.It was a mixture of how he felt about people he wanted to bang, the scared feelings he had about Dee whenever she seemed like she might follow up on her suicide threats and he had to break into her house and steal her medication again, and how he used to feel as a kid about his stuffed elephant, Mr. Tibbs.Was that love? "Maybe.I think so?"

"Dude, awesome!"Mac sat down on the couch."Look, I'm okay with a long engagement if that's your thing, and I know we can't do a proper church wedding, but there's like this almost-Catholic gay priest who says he can do weddings, and he keeps trying to tell me that God won't be mad at me if I do it with a man I get married to, so I think it might be cool."

"Don't talk about getting married," said Dennis. "Things are fucked up enough."

Mac looked hurt."But dude, it's like I used to wish for when I was seven!Getting married, but like to a boy, so you can be best friends and have awesome fun!"

"Look, just not now.Let's make sure you're not going to jail first.Just don't say or do anything involving the cops until I've made sure it's safe.I care and I want to protect you."

Mac nodded. "Okay.And will you eat dinner?"

"What?"

"I care and I want you to be happy, and not like miserable or fainting.And you look super-hot just the way you are, and if you lose weight, it doesn't actually make you look even sexier like you think it does.You just look sick.And the doctor said it was really bad for you to not eat enough, and eventually it would give you organ failure, which I looked up, and it's really bad.Look, we'll protect each other, we'll keep each other safe, we'll depend on each other.So I'll listen to you about the cops, and you'll eat food?"Mac put a hand to Dennis's face.

Dennis jerked his head away."Have you understood _nothing_?We don't protect each other and depend on each other! I protect you, and you depend on me!I keep you safe, and you let me make the decisions!That's how it _works_!And eating dinner isn't what I need!"He stood up and stormed off to his room.

He turned back when he was in the doorway."And don't bother me for at least twenty minutes!"

"What's in twenty minutes?" Mac asked.

"Sex!"

"We still get sex?"

"Of course!" Dennis shouted."What, you're going to piss me off and then _not_ fuck me until I'm relaxed again?Do you _want_ to be a shitty boyfriend?"

"No," said Mac."I don't want to be a shitty boyfriend!I want to be the best boyfriend ever!I want to love you and cherish you and do everything I can to make you happy"

"Well, then, twenty minutes from now, be in my bedroom, hard and ready!"

-

"Hi, I'm here about the interview Mr. MacDonald did. My lawyer here says it's inadmissible."Dennis gestured towards Charlie.Damn it, why hadn't Dennis saved enough to hire the real lawyer again?

Charlie opened his mouth.

"He will not be speaking, but he's recording everything.He says that Mr. MacDonald was not in his right mind, and therefore nothing he says can be considered to have any evidentiary value."

"Wait," said the cop."Isn't this that friend of yours who did all the ketamine and started rambling incoherently during the police interview?"

Dennis sighed. 

"Probably," said Charlie."I do like ketamine, and I don't remember stuff real good.I _am_ , however, Pennsylvania's foremost expert in bird law."He held up the briefcase."See this?Full of birds!"

"You have _live_ _birds_ in there?"

"No, of course not," said Charlie. "They're not _alive_!"

"I wouldn't worry about Mr. MacDonald," said the cop."After reviewing the security tapes, we've ruled him out as a suspect."

"Really?" Dennis asked. 

Another cop led a woman towards the cells.

"She deserved it!", the woman screamed."The child molesting cunt deserved everything I did and more!Where were you fucking cops when she was destroying my father's life?"

The cop looked at Dennis."Apparently her father was _also_ a victim of sexual assault by Mrs. Klinsky.He developed lifelong mental health and substance abuse problems, and recently died of liver failure brought on by his alcoholism."

"Oh," said Dennis."Tragic."That chick was hot, and if she wasn't going to jail, Dennis would totally have banged her.Even if she did have totally psycho opinions about Mrs. Klinsky.

"So Mr. MacDonald is not a suspect.You can all leave and...seek extensive therapy hopefully."

-

"Hey, Mac, guess what I learned at the police station today."

Mac froze at the apartment door."What?"

"They caught Mrs. Klinsky's killer.Apparently it was some crazy bitch who thinks her drunk father's life was ruined by sleeping with Mrs. Klinsky in high school.Hot, though."Dennis looked at Mac."How do you feel about open relationships?"

"Um, I'd have to think about it."Mac walked in."So, you're not mad at me?"

"For what?"

"For not killing Mrs. Klinsky?"

Dennis shrugged."I mean murder's hard.Not everyone's able to deal with something like that."

"And you're not breaking up with me?"

"Are you kidding?I've never had live-in sex like this before!It's really convenient!Unless you've lost interest in me."Dennis laugh."As if that could ever happen.I mean you're still into me and going to stay with me, right?" 

"Of course!I'm in it forever!I'll get gay-married to you tomorrow if you want!"

"How about we slow it down, and you bring me some peeled apple slices with peanut butter as a before-dinner snack?"

"You're eating again?" Mac asked.

"I'm eating healthy."Dennis looked at Mac."Tonight's dinner will be grilled fish and salad.But yes, you can stop nagging me about food.I told you, I don't have anorexia, I have self-control."

Mac nodded.Had he cured Dennis's anorexia with love?He was pretty sure that was how anorexia worked. Love someone hard enough, they eat something, and they're all better forever.That was how it worked on TV, after all.

Mac was such an awesome boyfriend. It had only been a few days, and he'd already cured Dennis of anorexia! 

Pleased with himself, Mac went off to cook dinner. 


	4. Epilogue

"Hey guys," said Charlie."I was wondering if I could the day off?There's kind of this funeral thing I'm supposed to go to."

"A funeral?" Mac asked

Frank turned."Who died?"

"Uncle Jack.Apparently he killed himself. The cops found him, and like a bunch of child pornography?"Charlie shook his head."I mean who would have guessed Uncle Jack was a pedophile?"

Dee frowned."You did an entire musical about how he used to sneak into your bed at night and rape you."

Charlie shook his head."No, see, you didn't understand the Nightman play at all.It's about a boy becoming a man!"

"Of course you can take the day off," said Frank."Charlie, are you going to be okay?"

Charlie nodded."Yeah, I think I am.Actually, I feel pretty good, like weirdly relaxed, you know?Maybe it's because I haven't sniffed glue for like four days now?The guidance counselor back in high school used to say that glue wasn't good for the brain.Also, did anyone think Uncle Jack was kind of creepy?"

" _Kind_ _of_ creepy?" Dennis asked sarcastically.

"Yeah," said Charlie."Like when he was with us when I was a kid, I used to get these really bad nightmares.That's where the whole Nightman came into my room.I'd dream about the Nightman, you know, doing stuff to me, and when I'd wake up, Uncle Jack would be cuddled up in my bed holding me.He said he was just comforting me, but it felt weird."He paused. "Wait a minute, I just realized something."

Everyone went still.

"I used to get nightmares about a man doing weird sex stuff to me when I was a kid," said Charlie."And Uncle Jack, who was in my bed, was actually a pedophile.That means..."His eyes went wide.

"Yeah, buddy?" Dennis leaned forward.

"Is there something you want to talk about?" asked Mac.

"You guys, I think I'm psychic!I can sense criminals with my dreams!"Charlie clapped his hands together."Can you believe it?"

Dennis shook his head."No, I literally can't."

"I know!" said Charlie."This is awesome!I'm going to be like a crime-fighting hero who fights crime in his sleep!Anyway, I should go talk to my mom about the funeral arrangements."He turned and left.

"Wow," said Mac.

Dennis nodded."That is some serious denial. How can someone walk around like that just completely and totally denying what happened to them?"

Dee rolled her eyes.

-

Mac was halfway through his beer when Dennis leaned in and whispered in his ear, "And _that's_ how you do it."

"Do what?"

"Take care of a problem.Neat.Efficient.No angry letters, no police interrogations, no attempting to force Charlie to talk about or think about what happened to him.Just a nice, tidy suicide."Dennis straightened up and smiled.

Mac choked on his beer."Wait, what?Are you saying, you killed..."

"No," said Dennis."I am absolutely am not saying that.Charlie's uncle killed himself.I didn't kill anyone, and that is _exactly_ what the evidence will show.Just like with Maureen Ponderosa."He winked at Mac.

Mac stared.He'd joked plenty of times about Dennis being a serial killer, but was Dennis _actually_ a serial killer?

"So, dinner at Guigino's tonight?"

Mac took a breath.He was pretty sure that, in the eyes of the Catholic Church, dating a man was even more of a sin if that man was a serial killer. 

He looked into Dennis's eyes.

Damn it, he was _totally_ sexy enough to go to Hell over. 

"Sure," said Mac."Sounds good."


End file.
